But as I perused her tv schedule and watched clips of her making feather trees and joshing around with Stephen Colbert, I decided to do a little real-life comparing. So last night when I SHOULD have been working on the book, I made a comparison list instead. Here are a few samples:
Martha's December Schedule vs. My December Schedule:
Martha: Bake brisket on national television.
Me: Bake Duncan Hines pre-packaged oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and eat at least fourteen of them while sitting crossed legged in front of a giant pile of unfolded laundry. Then get sick.
Martha: Shop for eco-conscious footware.
Me: Use a black magic marker to cover the scuff marks on my favorite pair of cheap heels and then sniff them, wondering if I stepped in gum.
Martha: Go behind the scenes with a camera crew to Acme Smoked Fish.
Me: Watch Martha and crew eat delicious samples at the Acme Smoked Fish facilities while I pay bills and wonder why we only have $5.28 left to spend on presents this year.
Martha: Explore the possibilities of non-traditional tree stands.
Me: Get a crick in my neck as I lay sideways and try to tighten the bolts on the bottom of our fake Wal-Mart tree that seems to be doing it's best impression of the leaning tower of Pisa.
Martha: Make a reindeer pop up card.
Me: Forget to mail Christmas cards of any kind. Again. For the eighth year in a row.
Martha: Create a six pack snowflake.
Me: Brave the cold, driving rain in the backyard because Mabel has once again gotten a piece of poop stuck to her fur and she is frozen in a u-shape, trying not to walk, waiting for me to save her with a paper towel.
Martha: Share Tuna Nicoise Crostini recipe to gleeful audience guests.
Me: Go out for cheap sushi, sniff the spicy tuna roll that's delivered to the table and mutter, "This smells like low tide."
Martha: Provide studio audience with tree trimming tips.
Me: Provide friends with tips on how I found the tackiest Christmas sweater ever by visiting Goodwill every day for three months leading up the the holidays.
Martha: Adhere to a strict cleaning schedule every day before guests arrive, therefore eliminating a stressful day of cleaning beforehand.
Me: 30 minutes before guests arrive I clean the toilets, dust mop giant dust bunnies from a few corners, Febreeze the couch and call it done.
Martha: Find holiday homes for abandoned pets.
Me: Make fun of Mabel after I tie reindeer horns to her head and watch her buck around the room like a demented Christmas bronco.
Martha: Create instant topiaries.
Me: Look up the definition of the word topiary.
And last but not least:
Martha: Share holiday jewelry ideas.
Me: Threaten Matt that if he gives me one of those diamond chip monstrosities from Kay jewelers I'll melt it down into the shape of a bullet.