What if I never had kids? How would I feel when it was no longer a possibility? Would I still be assured of those choices? Would I feel lonely? Would I feel sad that Matt and I had never had the opportunity to love a tiny little soul with all our hearts? Other than Mabel, of course.
Let me preface this by saying that kids aren't for everyone. I have many friends who never had children. They are happy. They are fulfilled. They are sure that their choices and their life is the right choice, the happy choice.
But I loved my freedom. I loved my relatively skinny body. I loved going to the late movies with Matt and eating out whenever we wanted. I loved my life. For a long, long time, I loved not having kids.
But a few years ago something started to shift. It was right before Angela died. It was when the doctors told her that children would no longer be a possibility. It was during our conversation, a conversation that will be etched into my mind by her tears and words... that I realized this doesn't last forever. Our opportunities don't stretch out endlessly, year after year. There is a time and place for everything, and sometimes, we miss that doorway. And the door closes. The reality of mortality dawned on me that day, during that conversation, and my heart began to change.
So when we found out we were having a baby, although surprised, I was thankful. I was suddenly filled with the knowledge that this was right. It was good. And now that she's here, I thank God for having a better plan that I did. I thank him for my husband, who is crazier about this tiny girl than any man I've ever seen. I'm thankful for the tears and the ups and downs of this past week. I'm thankful for poopy diapers and Jane's crying when she's hungry. I'm thankful when she's happy, and when she's mad. We call her our angry little tomato then.
The moment she was born, and they placed her in my arms, and the nurse snapped this picture, I knew without a doubt that I was the luckiest woman in the world. And I cried big fat crocodile tears and kissed her and called her my angel in front of a room full of strangers. I didn't care. I realized that the next chapter of our lives is just starting. Things change. Our little family is evidence of that. Thank God.