And then I realized that maybe there's a lesson I'm supposed to learn in all this. Scratch that. There IS a lesson I'm supposed to learn in all this.
I'm a plucky gal. I pride myself on resourcefulness. I pride myself on my ability to work my hands to the bones. To write books. Run this blog. Freelance articles. Hold a full time job. Be a mom. Be a wife. I, I, I. Me, Me, Me.
And as I cried in the shower, I realized I haven't been very humble. I've seen myself as the glue holding my little gingerbread house life together. But I'm not. God is. And apparently humility hasn't been my strong suit.
Because you know what? I can't make this vertigo go away. I can't heal myself so I can care for my child, drive my car, and resume my job. I can't take away the sickening depression that fills my stomach knowing that Jane spends every day in daycare. I can't even make myself stand upright in the shower. I can't do any of this. But apparently I thought I could.
And as I pressed my face against the pink tiles in our shower, eyeing mildew that needs cleaning, I realized God intended me to know it. He intended that I remember He is the one who holds it all together. He gives and takes away. He has the final say. And so I have to learn humility. I thought this was a good first step: announcing my inability to be my own god in front the world. Humble. It's the hardest thing I'll ever do. But I have to. I want to learn the lesson. I want to serve God. I want to live the life He has planned for me... even if it hurts.